We'll miss you, Carlin

It did not come as a shock but I was still saddened to hear on Sunday that George Carlin is no longer with us. Sure, he was funny, but a lot of people make a living being funny. Carlin was just himself, and it just so happened that a lot of people found him funny so he made his living doing it. I get the idea he would have just done his own thing whether he got paid to do it, or not.

As I understand it, Carlin got his start as a straight, suit-and-tie joketeller type comedian in the late 50s (?). As the 60s and the social changes of the time gathered momentum, he reached a whole other audience that liked to be made to think and laugh, and wanted to hear more than just jokes. By the early 70s he gained notoriety for saying things about society that had been off-limits to funnymen before that time...well, had been Lenny Bruce, and he got himself all but blacklisted. Carlin got himself arrested and his act eventually got heard by the U.S. Supreme Court for obscenity. Were I a comic, I don't know if I would take that as a warning or a compliment, but Carlin never hid his pride for making history.

But this ought not be interpreted as a historical retrospective on Carlin's career....besides, I wasn't old enough to get his brand of humor until the late 70s, but once I was, I liked that he used what he saw and heard people doing and saying to make us laugh. And that is what I will miss about him. His onstage approach, such as it was, is closely linked to my own sense of humor...taking in the way people are and choosing to remember what makes me laugh above all else.

For those who have not heard the Carlin TV bit that landed him in the proverbial hot water, of for those like me that still find it funny even after so many times, here it is, along with a detailed breakdown of seven words that to this day still can't be uttered on regular TV.

The following is a verbatim transcript of "Filthy Words" (the George Carlin monologue at issue in the Supreme Court case of FCC v. Pacifica Foundation) prepared by the Federal Communications Commission:
Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it doesn't really -- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word -- the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock -- three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling)
Read it! (from audience)
Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shitface, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a life -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping whistling)


The Seven Words You Can Never Say On TV
by George Carlin

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them.

There are some people that are not into all the words. There are some that would have you not use certain words. There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7 of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you 7, Bad Words. That's what they told us they were, remember? "That's a bad word!" No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words.

You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television? "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits" Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits" Wow! ...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here, man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just One."

That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not
completely insensitive to people's feelings. I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like Cocksucker and Motherfucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on
there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those Ks, those are aggressive sounds. They just jump out at you like "cocksucker, motherfucker. cocksucker, motherfucker." It's like an assault on you.

We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go together of course. A little accidental humor there. The reason that Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were certain ladies that said "Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out.", which led to such stupid sentences as "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinkle now." And, of course, the word Fuck. I don't really, well that's more accidental humor, I don't wanna get into that now because I think it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is a very important word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often.

People much wiser than I am said, "I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay, Sheriff, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow." So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word.

I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any circumstances. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget those 7. They're out.

But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words. Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? "...And the cock CROWED 3 times" "Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it's in the Bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for Curt Gowdy to say "Roberto Clemente has 2 balls on him.", but he can't say "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you? He's holding them. He must've hurt them, by God."

And the other 2-way word that goes with that one is Prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger. You can prick your finger but don't finger your prick. No, no.

Quitting smoking

As I write I am finishing off what will be my last pack of cigarettes.

First thing in the morning I am going straight to the the pharmacy where a package of Nicotrol Inhaler http://www.nicotrol.com/ will be waiting for me. I know it will work because I have used it before, and because I am as thoroughly disgusted with smoking as I ever have been.

I first dabbled in smoking in high school, but it was not until college, when I came across a coupon for a free pack of Camel Lights, that I was hooked. That went on until February 2000, when I got to thinking, I was getting too old to be smoking anymore, and I didn't really like it that much anyway, so I tried the inhaler. It worked, and I was glad.

But last year, over the course of getting divorced and being in less-than-good company, I slipped. I figured, I could just smoke while I partied that one night, and nothing would happen. And rush of pleasurable brain chemicals was brief, but intense...at once I remembered the way it felt sneaking a smoke in high school.

I knew I was wrong about being able to just have a few cigarettes when the seven-years-dormant nicotine craving came back with a vengeance the next morning. Before I knew it, I was at the store buying a pack. I was hooked once more, and too distracted to be reminded of what a nasty habit smoking is, what a twisted, dissatisfying waste of money it is, how stupid it is. It was in the back of my mind, sure, but I guess the prominence of other problems in my life at the time let me ignore all that.

But now that my problems are manageable, my eyes are once more wide open to the fact that there ain't anything good about smoking. I don't like the way being a nicotine junkie makes me feel weak, I don't like having to buy cigarettes, I don't like the way they smell, I don't like anything about smoking.

I have considered the possibility that I could meet someone new, and they might like everything about me, but figuratively cross me off their potential friend list just because I smoke. Let there be no misunderstanding: I am quitting for MYSELF, and that is the only reason I need. But if quitting smoking turns out to open up new set of possibilities for me, then so be it!

And of course there are two more very precious reasons to quit...

Haircut boy lives!

Spent time today with my barber and although it had been awhile since I saw him last, I am going to make a point to not let so much time pass before the next time.

My barber is one of a dying breed, literally. He's what I consider the "old man and a chair" type barber that is getting hard to find these days. In the early 1990s he did take steps toward becoming a modern salon, such as adding a head sink, use of conditioner and selling hair care products, but the reasons I see him have have remained unchanged.

He does a damn good job, for one. You can walk in there, never having seen him before, tell him give me a good haircut, and leave with what very likely is the best haircut you've ever had. I found that out because that is what I told him at the tail-end of my wannabe hippy days/daze and I walked out of there feeling better and dare I say, dignified.

Another is, he takes his time and only sees one person at a time. No codgers hanging out not getting a haircut, no TV, the phone hardly ever rings, it's just you and him. He isn't cheap, but is reasonable. When I pay him, I always think of a sign I saw years ago in front of a different salon: "We fix $6 haircuts--$10."

I also like seeing my barber for more personal reasons, such as the fact that he's originally from my town, knows a lot of the same people I know, is aware of what is going on in town, and even though there have been times when I went a year or more without a haircut, he remembers what we talked about last time and what we didn't talk about. Today, he asked about my mother, my dad and my brother. But even though I am pretty sure he knows I got my ass divorced a little while ago, he said not one word about it. Not that I would have minded him asking, but the fact that he didn't bring it up speaks volumes about the kind of person he is.

Now that haircut boy lives again, I'll just hafta shoot a new profile pic...

A gas rant

Although for all my adult life we as Americans have been able to practically ignore the price of gasoline as it affects our daily lives, we can't do it any more, can we? $4 a gallon has a way of getting our attention whether we like it or not. And while I don't like it either, I am not going to bitch about it, not just because I can't do anything about it, but also because we knew this day was coming.

But thinking back, we ought to have known this day was coming since the so-called Arab oil embargo of 1973. As retaliation for our nation's support of Israel, Arab nations drastically reduced their crude oil shipments to remind us of the power they had (and still have) over us because we built our economy on cheap gas. Sure, some of us responded by buying Ford Pintos, Chevy Vegas, and introduced ourselves to Datsun and Toyota, but before long, the crisis passed and most of us went right back to driving Oldsmobuicks. But the oil-rich nations knew they had us, and they did not forget it.

I am not quite old enough to really remember the 1973 oil embargo firsthand, but I can remember the next time we got bent over the gas pump, in 1979 and 1980. The nation was beset by inflation at the time, which oil states saw as a perfect opportunity to remind us how dependent we were on them. Again we were shocked at the price of gas, and bitched loudly, but other than some gas stations selling gas by the liter to ease the harsh reality, and a brief return to more fuel-efficient cars, we did nothing about it.

Their experience with piece-of-shit American cars, and their memories of being bent over at the pump influenced my parents to buy a Honda Accord in 1985. It got 40 miles to the gallon, never broke down, and is fondly remembered by my mother as her most favorite car ever. Around that same time, more and more of our nation's drivers were also discovering the joys of owning a fuel-efficient, well-built import.

I was driving the time the next time gas prices got our attention, but it was in a good way. When I graduated high school in 1985, gas was well over $1 a gallon. In 1987, the price plummeted...at one point that year, I distinctly remember paying 74 cents a gallon to fill the 10.5 gallon tank of my Volkswagen that year. Compared with inflated prices of everything else up to that time, that made gas about as cheap as it ever had been. In the years that passed, gas went up, back down, up again, on and on. But the one constant was that the price of fuel was not a concern for anyone who could afford a car.

That scenario continued unabated clear through to the late 1990s, when a phenomenon I still don't fully understand took hold of the car-buying public. The so-called sport-utility vehicle, which had been around for 25 or 30 years, gained popularity as a sensible choice of transportation. I heard it from so many people I know who had/still have one: it has so much room! it's so comfortable! I like sitting up high while I drive, it's big and I feel safer! Nobody seemed to care that SUVs got crappy gas mileage, being trucks with more steel and interior. Meanwhile sales of smaller, more sensible cars languished, even though they still suited the realistic transportation needs of the vast majority of drivers.

The next chorus of gas price bitching I remember was around the time when Hurricane Katrina disrupted the Southeast's fuel supply system. Admittedly, that was a temporary situation, but it turned out to be a wakeup call that nobody wanted to answer until now. Also around that time, the gas-electric car finally started being bought in number, but not really enough to make much difference. People's opinions were usually something like: yeah, it's good on gas, but it's kinda funny looking, it's small, and I just wouldn't want to be seen driving something like that. But now we are at the point where not so many of us can afford to buy a car based on how it looks or how we see it as an extension of our persona, and guess what? If you want one of those hybrids, you have stand in line to get one, and pay whatever price the dealer thinks they can get.

There are people who think that gas prices will eventually come back down, and based on the last 35 years of history, prices probably will come down some. But since our economy and society is still based on cheap gas, isn't it about time we quit bitching and did something about it once and for all?

Videos, again

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (2007) Savor the sex scene which opens this one (featuring Marisa Tomei and Phillip Seymour Hoffman) because it's about all the happiness you'll see. The plot is built around a robbery gone wrong, apparent from the second scene, but just how wrong, you'll not know until it's over. Got the Oscar for best screenplay, and it's not hard to see why. Four stars out of four.

Charlie Wilson's War (2007) A carousing but socially-aware Texas Congressman (Tom Hanks) is unable to ignore the 1980 Soviet invasion of Afghanistan and uses his connections to get something done about it. The lead character is likable (hey it is a Tom Hanks role!) and solid performances from supporting cast members Julia Roberts and Phillip Seymour Hoffman bolster him and the plot to keep the story from being a documentary or seeming preachy. Three stars.

How my garden grows

Ever since I was a little kid I have been involved in growing a garden. There was a time in my 20s when I was too cool and too busy to be gardening, but not long after I bought my house 10 years ago I got back into gardening and have not looked back.

Tomatoes are the main crop, and what many find funny is, I don't even like them that much! I mean, I like them all right on a sandwich, or chopped and added to a stew or pot of spaghetti, and they go quite well with Mexican food. But there are a whole lot of folks who like tomatoes way more than me. So part of it is that I just like growing stuff! And let me tell you, the dark alluvial soil in back yard will grow the SHIT out of some tomatoes.

I have always liked doing nice things for the people around me, so my passion for gardening means that a bunch of people get loaded down with very fresh ripe tomatoes starting in early-to-mid July. Some of those people I know; others I don't, but each and every time I give, I get to see them smile because they just got something for free that can't be bought. I take tomatoes to the folks at the senior citizens' center my grandmother visits, and when I come, she makes sure to exclaim to several people loading up, "He's my grandson, you know!" Other times, especially when the crop is at its heaviest, I give two or three to my pizza delivery customers if they say yes when I ask if they like tomatoes (most do). It's one thing to be glad to get you pizza, and quite another to get something you weren't expected. Their smiles have been known to put an end to otherwise crappy night on the job for me. Sometimes, on subsequent deliveries to the same folks weeks of months later, they remark how much they liked those tomatoes, did I grow them, or "Hey! You're the guy that brings tomatoes!"

Several times over the years I've had people say I should sell tomatoes. I always tell them it just wouldn't be the same.

The third week of April this year I put out 48 plants, evenly divided between the Celebrity and Better Boy varieties. Celebrity is a newer hybrid variety with good tasting medium-sized fruits, and it resists nematodes and most every blight and wilt that afflicts other varities. Better Boy is a tried-and-true older hybrid variety that makes medium to large fruits with very good flavor. Also it is an indeterminate variety, which means it keeps growing and blooming until cold weather kills the plants. Where I live, translates to fresh tomatoes until Halloween!

Elsewhere in the yard, I have 14 hot pepper plants (12 jalapenoes and 2 habaneros) two white seedless grape vines, 5 plum trees, one big blueberry bush and several wee ones (those were just planted last year) some thornless blackberries, and a few raspberries. My children will eat every last one of the berries, and I always let them!

New this year is a stand of gourds, 'birdhouse' gourds to be exact, for which I used posts and reinforcing wire to erect a trellis. I am not sure what I am going to do with the gourds come harvest time, a few birdhouses I guess?? Crafters love them for decorating and a painting medium, so I've read, so perhaps I'll let them dry out and try and sell some on ebay? Ever since I went out last year and picked up a trash bag full of pine cones (the great big longleaf pine cones) put those on ebay and sold them to a very grateful woman in Missouri, I have been curious about what else that costs me nothing has somebody looking for it. After all there was the time a dude in Colorado paid me money for 24 empty beer bottles, but I did have to buy those first.

Showing off my kids

Those with children will agree, there is no excuse needed to show off pictures. So I'll not try and make up one! Here's Griffin and Carlie, first from last weekend, then there's other pics in various developmental stages.